How to Find a Good Therapist: The Science, the Connection, and the “Magic” of Healing
Finding the right therapist is a bit like finding a great pair of shoes—not just any will do. You need the right fit, something supportive, comfortable, and built for the journey ahead. But how do you know what makes a therapist good?
Many people assume that therapy is all about the specific techniques a clinician uses. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Internal Family Systems (IFS), Somatic Therapy—the list goes on. While therapy modalities matter, research shows that therapy effectiveness is made up of four key ingredients:
30% is the therapist’s specialized training
30% is the relationship
30% is you
10% is the “magic”
Let’s break it down so you can make an informed decision when choosing the right therapist for you.
1. Specialized Training Matters—But It’s Not Everything (30%)
If therapy was just about having a listening ear, we’d all be healed from venting to friends over coffee. While basic therapy training can help, deeper healing requires specialized expertise—especially when dealing with complex trauma, long-term anxiety, chronic depression cycles, repeated relational loss or deeply rooted behavioral patterns.
Not All Training is Created Equal
All therapists who graduate from a reputable school will undergo basic training in cognitive-based modalities such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), and traditional talk therapy.
This foundational training is normal and expected. However, these modalities are often learned in brief courses as part of a general curriculum, compared to specialized therapies like Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR), which require months—or even years—of intensive training, supervision, and ongoing practice.
Why Specialized Training Matters More Than Years of Experience
Not all experience is created equal. A therapist with 20 years of practice using only talk therapy isn’t necessarily more effective than a therapist with just five years of experience—but who has invested in specialized, evidence-based, trauma-informed training. Why? Because true expertise isn’t just about time served; it’s about the willingness to evolve.
Here’s what sets a continuously learning therapist apart:
A willingness to grow with the field. Specialized training reflects a therapist’s dedication to staying updated on the latest neuroscience and therapeutic breakthroughs, rather than just doing what they’ve always done.
A mindset of curiosity and openness. A therapist who seeks ongoing learning is more likely to approach your story with curiosity rather than imposing outdated beliefs or rigid frameworks.
An ability to adapt and apply new learning, not just default to what’s familiar. Some therapists stick to traditional talk therapy—even when it’s not working—simply because it’s what they know and what comes easy to them. A good therapist actively integrates new tools rather than relying on old habits.
The Gaps We See in Traditional Therapy
At our clinic, we offer complimentary consultations for people searching for a new therapist. A common theme we notice? Many clients believe they’ve been doing “trauma therapy,” yet:
They’ve never heard of somatic therapy, EMDR, ego state therapy, or experiential techniques.
They are surprised to learn about mind-body approaches that engage the nervous system rather than just “talking about the trauma.”
They weren’t given the full range of trauma-informed options that could help them move beyond cognitive processing alone.
If you’re seeking therapy for deep emotional healing, it’s essential to find a therapist who doesn’t just check the box of “trauma-informed” but is truly trained in and practices effective, evidence-based trauma modalities.
What to look for:
Does the therapist have additional certifications in modalities suited to your needs?
Do they specialize in what you’re struggling with (trauma, anxiety, relationships, etc.)?
Are they continually learning and growing in their field?
Are they doing what they say they are doing?
Caution! If a therapist takes a “one-size-fits-all” approach, using only traditional talk therapy without integrating deeper mind-body techniques, it may not be enough for lasting change.
2. The Relationship with Your Therapist is Everything (30%)
If you don’t feel safe and understood in therapy, all the training in the world won’t help. Healing happens in relationships, and therapy is no different. In fact, research consistently shows that the therapeutic relationship—often called the "therapeutic alliance"—is one of the strongest predictors of therapy success. A meta-analysis by Wampold & Imel (2015) found that the quality of the relationship between client and therapist accounts for as much as 30% of therapy outcomes, making it just as important as the techniques used.
A strong therapeutic relationship isn’t just about feeling comfortable—it’s about feeling seen, heard, and supported in a way that allows deep emotional work to unfold. It’s equally about finding someone who can regulate their own emotions so that they don’t bring their stress into sessions while showing up as a real human rather than a detached professional.
Why the Right Fit Matters
Just as different friendships, mentors, and romantic relationships shape us in unique ways, different therapy relationships serve different purposes at different points in our healing journey. The therapist who helped you in your early 20s may not be the right fit in your 30s and 40s. The therapist you needed for crisis stabilization may not be the same one you need for deeper trauma work. Research by Norcross & Lambert (2019) suggests that therapy outcomes improve when a therapist’s style aligns with a client’s personality, stage of healing, and specific needs. In other words, there is no single “best” therapist—only the best therapist for you, right now.
For example:
If you’re working through deep childhood trauma, a therapist with a trauma-informed, attachment-based approach may be essential.
If you’re looking to break unhelpful behavior patterns, a therapist who uses a more structured, skills-based approach may be a better fit.
If you’re navigating existential questions or life transitions, you may benefit from a therapist who focuses on meaning-making and self-exploration.
What to check in with yourself?
Does this therapist’s style feel aligned with where I am in my healing process?
Do I feel emotionally safe, yet gently challenged in a way that supports my growth?
If therapy hasn’t worked in the past, could I benefit from a different approach or therapist style?
Am I expecting the therapeutic relationship to always feel smooth—when, in reality, moments of rupture and disagreement can be essential for growth? If it always feels easy, could that mean my therapist and I are unintentionally avoiding deeper, necessary work?
There’s no shame in outgrowing a therapist or realizing that you need a different kind of support. Just like relationships evolve, your therapy needs will too. The key is to remain open to finding a therapist who meets you where you are today, not just where you were in the past.
Caution! If you feel dismissed, judged, or emotionally unsafe with your therapist, it’s not the right fit.
3. Your Readiness for Change is a Game Changer (30%)
Therapy isn’t something that’s done to you—it’s something you actively participate in. You could have the best therapist in the world, but if you’re not open to the process, results will be limited.
Therapy is Like Training Your Mind and Nervous System
If your local gym helps train your cardiovascular system and build muscle strength, therapy helps train your mind and regulate your nervous system. It takes months to build endurance at the gym, and the same goes for therapy. Rewiring ingrained emotional patterns and reorganizing your nervous system takes time, consistency and effort. Here’s 3 important facts to keep in mind:
Quick fixes don’t work. You wouldn’t expect to transform your health after one or two workouts at the gym—so why expect lifelong emotional wounds to heal in just a couple of therapy sessions? True healing requires more than insight; it demands openness to trying new coping strategies and commitment to practicing what you learn outside of sessions.
Inconsistent participation slows progress. Just like you wouldn’t expect to see results at the gym if you only show up sporadically, therapy works best when approached with commitment. At our clinic we typically recommend showing up every other week, especially in the early stages.
Long-term thinking is key. Healing isn’t linear, and expecting results to unfold over time prevents frustration when change doesn’t happen instantly. Think of it this way: If you’ve been stuck in a pattern of anxiety, people-pleasing, or self-doubt for years, your brain and nervous system have become wired to respond in certain ways. Breaking these patterns means building new neural pathways, which takes repetition and time.
What do you need to bring into the session?
Openness to trying new coping strategies is key. A good therapist will introduce techniques that may feel unfamiliar at first—whether it’s grounding exercises, body-based interventions, or boundary-setting skills. The more open you are to experimenting, the more progress you’ll make.
Commitment to practicing what you learn outside of sessions makes all the difference. Therapy is one hour a week; the real work happens in your day-to-day life. If you don’t apply the skills between sessions, your brain won’t get the chance to rewire, and change will take much longer.
Tolerating ambivalence about the journey makes a difference. It's okay to have mixed feelings about therapy. If you feel both drawn to therapy and hesitant about it, you’re not alone. Ambivalence is a natural part of the change process. You don’t need full confidence to begin—just a willingness to explore. A skilled therapist will work with your ambivalence, not against it.
It’s Okay to Not Feel Fully Ready at First
Many people hesitate before starting therapy because they don’t feel “ready.” Maybe you’re unsure if you can talk about painful experiences, scared of what might come up, or worried therapy won’t help. Here’s the truth: readiness isn’t about feeling 100% prepared—it’s about being willing to take the first step, even with uncertainty. Remember the following 3 rules:
You don’t have to have everything figured out before you start therapy. In fact, part of the therapist’s job is to help you explore that uncertainty and build readiness over time.
Healing happens gradually. If you wait until you feel completely ready, you might stay stuck in the same patterns for years.
Courage and fear can coexist. The presence of fear doesn’t mean you shouldn’t start—often, stepping into therapy despite fear is the bravest thing you can do.
Therapy is a partnership in healing, not a test you need to ace from day one. Some days you’ll feel like you’re making progress; other days you might feel stuck. That’s normal. A skilled clinician will meet you where you are, honoring your pace and support you in building the capacity to go deeper when you’re ready. Your role isn’t to have it all figured out—it’s to keep showing up, remain open to new approaches, and put what you learn into practice. That’s where real transformation unfolds.
Caution! If you expect to simply "talk it out" without doing the work outside of sessions, therapy will feel slow and ineffective. Healing requires engaging with the process beyond the therapy room.
4. The “Magic” (10%)
Finally, there’s an unspoken factor in therapy that can’t be measured—the right therapist at the right time in your life. This “magic” factor isn’t about luck—it’s about the intersection of your readiness, the therapist’s style, and the right life circumstances. It explains why someone might struggle with therapy at one stage of life but thrive in it years later with a different therapist or mindset.
Sometimes, everything aligns: you’re at a place in life where you’re truly ready to change, you find someone who speaks your language and gets you, and the therapeutic approach clicks in a way that feels transformative. This “magic” isn’t something you can force, but it’s a real phenomenon that makes therapy feel life-changing when it happens.
Caution! If therapy hasn’t worked for you before, it doesn’t mean it never will—it just means the timing or fit wasn’t quite right.
Final Thoughts On Finding A Good Psychotherapist In Ontario
A good psychotherapist is more than just a framed degree or someone whose age suggests experience. If you’re searching for support, look for someone who has both the skills and the heart to walk this journey with you. And remember, therapy isn’t just about finding the right therapist—it’s about discovering the best version of yourself along the way. If you're ready to take the next step, we’d love to help you find a therapist who’s the right fit for you. Reach out to set up a free consultation call and explore how we can support you on your healing journey.
